I Drive Your Truck
by leoslady4ever
Summary: There are moments in life that come out of nowhere, that hit you like a ton of bricks and leave you broken on the floor. And it's in this place that Gajeel finds himself suddenly lost, uncertain, and feeling more alone than he could have ever imagined. Dealing with his loss is more than he can take, and so he turns to the only thing he has left...his brother's truck. (Death fic)


_Okay, this story has been a long time coming. It took me forever to get through because it just about ripped my heart in half. I don't know that I've ever cried so much during a one-shot. So let me warn you. It's a doozy._

 _Still, I hope you'll read it and feel all the things I tried to put into this story. Thank you all for being so wonderful, for being so supportive. I love each and every one of you._

 _On a side note, please listen to the song that inspired this fic while you read. Trust me - it will give you the full effect. "_ **_I Drive Your Truck"_** _by_ ** _Lee Brice_** _. Also worth a mention, the letter in this story was mildly inspired by another song, **Tim McGraw** 's **"I'm Already Home"**_.

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 ** _Hiro Mashima_** _owns Fairy Tail._

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 **I Drive Your Truck**

The old truck rattled as Gajeel took the turn off of Miller's Way, heading for a stretch of land he and his friends had long ago claimed as their own. The truck rattled as he hit the first of many back roads, his tires dipping into a shallow pothole and causing the change in the ashtray to jingle. Down in the floorboard, a half-empty bottle of Gatorade rolled, making a soft sloshing sound when it met the worn pair of boots tucked up underneath the seat.

Nothing so unusual. What any man might have stowed away in his vehicle - a spare shirt, a favorite hat. There were marks of his existence everywhere, each one a glaring reminder of the man who'd owned it, and that was precisely the point. Those seemingly insignificant things kept Gajeel coming back and climbing up into his brother's truck for a quick ride.

The thing was a wreck and sucked gas like a sieve, something Gajeel had ragged Rogue about endlessly. It was an ongoing joke between the two of them, but his brother hadn't cared. No matter how often he'd teased Rogue about driving a junker - a veritable old man's ride, his younger brother had simply laughed and run an affectionate hand over the faded blue hood. For whatever reason, Rogue had loved that beat-up old monster, and now that he was gone, it was the only place that Gajeel ever found any peace.

His mother didn't understand. She kept expecting him to deal with things like she did, to mourn alongside the rest of his family, to visit his brother's grave. A show of his respects, he supposed, but Gajeel couldn't do it. He didn't think he could ever go back. It was just too hard. There, in that place, he couldn't escape the thought of his brother buried deep within the ground, his body stuffed into a coffin for the rest of eternity. It broke him in ways he couldn't describe, and more than anything, that wasn't where he wanted remember Rogue.

There, planted between their grandfather and Uncle Larry, he was just a body, a shell of the person that had once been his brother. But here...in this truck where they'd spent so much time together, it was like his little brother was right next to him. It was the one place he still existed. Everywhere else felt so empty, and there were times when Gajeel felt like he couldn't take even one more step.

Those times, when the pain got to be more than he could bear, he'd find himself climbing up into the cab of Rogue's old Ford. He'd roll down the windows, crank up the music, and hit the road. He'd kept everything the same, the mirrors, the seat, the dorky Star Wars bobble head on the dash. It was all just the way Rogue had left it. He couldn't even bring himself to change the station Rogue had his radio set on. Somehow, he knew he never would. It didn't matter that he didn't like country music. It was the last station his brother had listened to, and he wanted everything to stay the same. He needed it all to stay the same. It was one more connection to the boy who'd been his best friend from the moment he'd taken his first breath, and he couldn't lose a single one.

It was the only thing keeping him together right now. The thought that he could find his brother in the cab of this old beast gave him something to hold onto, and without it, he didn't think he'd last a day. Because it was only when he was driving Rogue's truck that he still felt like Rogue was riding around with him.

Every trip through a field, every mud hole he splashed through, he could feel Rogue's smile. He could hear his laughter, and for just a moment, he wasn't gone. For those few minutes, the weight lifted from Gajeel's chest, and he finally felt like he could breathe again. Within this rusty old ride, he could forget that he'd lost his brother, let himself pretend that he'd just stolen Rogue's truck for a joyride and the chance to piss him off again.

And for a while, it worked.

But then the ride would end, and he'd be right back where he was before.

Gajeel felt his chest tighten, and he swallowed hard, pressing down on the gas as if trying to outrun the hurt. If it was that easy, he'd never quit driving. He'd go and go until he ran out gas, and then he'd fill it up and go again. He'd travel every road in the country for the rest of his life if it would only erase the memory of losing his brother.

A tear slid down his cheek, and Gajeel cursed, lifting a hand to dash it away before it could make it to his chin.

He didn't want this reality. And yet there was no escaping it. Even here, in the only place he found any solace, there were still reminders of Rogue's absence. The dust collecting on the dash, the dirt covering the mats Rogue had installed last year, but the most damning evidence off all - the one thing Gajeel couldn't ignore - was the dogtags swinging from the rearview mirror. Looking at them there made it impossible to deny that his brother was gone, because Rogue would have never been parted from them otherwise. They were Rogue's most prized possession, and he'd worn them proudly for all to see.

It had been another point of teasing for Gajeel, watching Rogue use those very same tags and his status as a soldier to catch a pretty girl's eye. He couldn't even begin to count the number of times it had happened, and each time, Gajeel had been unable to resist cracking jokes at his expense.

And now, he only wished he could do it again. If for no other reason than to see that sheepish look cross Rogue's pale face once more.

It just wasn't right that Rogue was gone. Gajeel was the oldest. It should have been him. It was his job to protect his little brother, and he had. All through high school and before, he'd had Rogue's back, but when the army had called, Gajeel had known it wasn't for him. He'd never wanted that kind of life. But Rogue...all he'd wanted since his sixteenth birthday was to serve his country. The day he'd been accepted and given the date to report to boot camp had been the happiest of his life, and it had shown on his face when he'd made the announcement. He'd all but glowed.

The truth was Rogue had loved being a soldier, and he'd been damn good at it. And for that very reason, Gajeel couldn't even blame the military for his death.

But he was still so angry. More times than he could count, he'd raised his fist to the heavens, shouted his fury out into the vast universe. He didn't understand, couldn't understand why it had to be Rogue. Why, out of everyone had it been his brother?

There wasn't a kinder soul on the planet than that boy. Hell, the dude was so damn good, Gajeel had half hated him all through high school. He was sweet, which the girls loved, and funny. He was always pulling pranks on Gajeel and the rest of their friends. He was the life of the party with that silly little half-grin he always wore...and he was the light that Gajeel had lived his life by.

No one had ever known because he'd have been damned before admitting it, but his little brother had always been Gajeel's inspiration. Rogue had gone after his dream with everything he had; he'd lived every day like it was his last, and Gajeel had to believe that Rogue had died without a single regret. Anything less would be such a waste, and he couldn't bear the thought of that. Rogue couldn't have died for nothing.

But Gajeel couldn't say the same. He had so many regrets. That he hadn't worked harder in school, that he hadn't asked Lucy out when Rogue had urged him to. But greater still were the regrets where Rogue was concerned. All the things Gajeel wished he'd said, all the things he wished he'd done with his brother. He'd always assumed he'd have time, but now, it was all gone. He'd never get the chance to tell Rogue that he loved him again. He'd never be able to tell him how proud he was to be his brother.

Because Rogue was gone, and he'd taken with him all the happiness in Gajeel's heart.

He didn't know how to do this. Every day felt like an eternity, hours upon hours of endless agony. He couldn't sleep, couldn't stomach eating. Nothing mattered anymore, not without his kid brother. How the hell did people survive something like this?

Swallowing hard, Gajeel took the final turn and pulled into the last field he and Rogue had torn up before he'd shipped out. It looked the same as before, the ruts and grooves they'd cut into the ground still there. He came to a stop right at the edge and sat there for a moment, staring out at the landscape before him. How he wished he could freeze it all like this, keep it from ever changing again, but life didn't work that way. Whether he was ready or not, everything would change. The world would continue to move without him, without Rogue. The rain would come, and even this field would yield to its power.

It would be just one more piece of Rogue gone, one more loss Gajeel couldn't take, but there was nothing he could do to stop it. Just like there'd been no way to stop Rogue from dying.

Swallowing hard, Gajeel put the truck in park and leaned forward to turn the radio off. Here in this place, sitting in Rogue's truck, it felt too loud, and if he was going to get through the next few minutes, he needed the quiet. He glanced over at the seat next to him, and seeing the pristine white envelope, felt his determination wobble. It stared back at him so innocently, but he knew it was anything but. Inside that holder was a slip of paper he'd avoided for the better part of a week, and even now he wasn't quite sure he was ready to read it.

He was already struggling to get through the day. What if he read it, and it made everything worse?

But it was Rogue. A letter from him to be precise, the last he would ever hear from his younger brother. And he found he couldn't refuse him. If Rogue wanted him to read this, then he had no choice but to suck it up. It was his turn to be brave now.

His hand shook as he reached for the envelope, and he hesitated for a moment looking at his name scrawled across the front. Rogue's handwriting. He'd know it anywhere. Before he could lose his nerve, he slipped his finger beneath the flap and unsealed it. Inside was a single, folded piece of stationary - nothing fancy or elegant. Just plain jane notebook paper like Rogue always liked.

Drawing in a deep breath, Gajeel pulled it out and held it, imagining he could feel the warmth of his brother's hand from before. He blinked rapidly as his eyes filled and forced himself to beat back the wave of despair that threatened to swamp him. He could do this. He had to.

Unfolding the lined page, Gajeel closed his eyes, steeling himself for what he might find, and then opened them again. It was a mess with Rogue's nearly illegible penmanship, and Gajeel gave a watery chuckle as he remembered all the times he'd told his brother to go into medicine. Surely handwriting as bad as his would work well for a doctor.

He looked up one last time, wishing he could just go on pretending this letter didn't exist. It wouldn't take much convincing. He could just fold it back up and tuck it into the glove compartment, and no one would be the wiser.

But he would know, and he'd never been comfortable with giving up. Beside, he could almost hear Rogue's voice telling him to stop being a little bitch, and though it made Gajeel want to laugh, it also made him want to cry. His brother had been so strong, sacrificing his life day in and day out, and here he was, unable to scrounge up the strength to face a piece of fucking paper.

Sighing, he let his eyes drop and felt the first tear burn its way down his cheek.

 _Hey bro._

 _I know you're probably mad as hell at me right now, and I don't blame you._ _I promised you I'd come home safe, and if you're reading this, then I wasn't able to keep my word. I'm sorry for that. You know I would have if I could. But I want you to know I'm okay. I'm proud of what I've done over here, of being a soldier and fighting for my country. It's what I always wanted to do. You know that, and even though you didn't understand it, you never once tried to change my mind. You let me be who I was, and I never thanked you for that._

 _You've been a hell of a brother to me, Gajeel. And more than that, you've been my best friend. And I probably sound like a total sap right now, but if this is my last chance to tell you all the things I always wanted to say, then I guess that's okay. You and me...we never were the type to get all mushy. I guess we got that from Dad. But I didn't want to leave without making sure you knew I loved you. And I was proud as hell to be your kid brother. You always had my back, and it's because of you that I was strong enough to come over here and do what I do._

 _I hope you can forgive me for bailing on you like this, and I hope like hell that you won't let it hold you back. You're tough, Gajeel. The toughest son of a bitch I've ever met, and that's why I know you can get through this. And it might be selfish of me, but I really need you to because Mom and Dad are gonna need you. You know how Mom is. She'll take care of everyone but herself. And Dad. He won't say a word. He'll keep it all to himself. I'm sorry to lay it all on you like this, but you're all they've got left now. And they're going to need you to keep everyone together._

 _It's almost time to go now, but there's one more thing I wanted to tell you. Don't wait. I know you've always said you didn't care about Lucy that way, but you and I both know that's not true. You've been half in love with that girl since elementary school, ever since she kicked Natsu's ass for trying to hold her hand on the playground. Don't keep pretending she isn't the one, because one day it'll be too late. You deserve to be happy, Gajeel, and I think she can make you happy if you'll let her. Don't live with regrets, bro. That's all I ask. Be happy and live enough for both of us._

 _I love you._

 _Rogue_

Gajeel choked as a sob flew from his mouth. It was like he'd known he wasn't coming home. He'd prepared for the worst, and it killed Gajeel that he hadn't even known his brother had considered his own death. It just seemed like something he _should_ have known.

Goddamn, he missed him. He missed him so much it felt like he'd never recover. He couldn't breathe past this lump in his throat, past the weight on his chest. His tears flowed unhindered, and Gajeel dug the heel of his palms into his eyes, letting his head rest on the back window. He fought for control, but knew there was no stopping it. His pain was too great, his grief too deep, and so he just let go.

There, at the edge of that old field, he let it all go - the anger and grief, the pain that felt like it was ripping him in half. He cried like a damn baby where no one could see him. He sobbed, outright screamed when the agonizing ache became too much to bear, and still it wasn't enough. A shout burst from his throat, and he slammed his hands on the steering wheel.

Rogue was right. Gajeel was mad as hell, but not at him. Never at him. He was just mad at the universe for taking Rogue away, for leaving him crying like a goddamn baby in this field, and for forcing him to live through the worst pain he'd ever experienced. It just wasn't right.

He fought for control, trying like hell to pull all that fury back, to be tough like his brother said he was. But it was so damn hard because he wasn't like Rogue.

No matter what Rogue said, he wasn't strong enough for this shit. He knew he wasn't. How on earth could Rogue think him capable of helping anyone else? He couldn't even help himself. He just wasn't cut out for playing hero. That was Rogue's job, and it killed him to know that he would never live up to his brother's expectations.

Blinking away the last of his tears, Gajeel took one more look at his brother's letter and quietly folded it, sliding back into its envelope and stuffing it gently into the glove compartment. He didn't know if he'd ever take it back out again, much less read it a second time, but as of right now, he couldn't handle seeing it anymore. It was too painful of a reminder that Rogue was never coming back.

Gajeel drew in a deep breath to settle his nerves and then looked up only to realize that the sun was starting to sink behind the trees. He wasn't quite ready to go home, his nerves still much too frayed to be around anyone else, but he knew his mother would be getting worried. Since Rogue's death, she'd been right on the edge of panic all the time, unable to stay calm if he was gone for more than an hour or more unexpectedly. So, he dutifully put the truck in reverse and pulled out onto the road once more. He may not be able to take her pain away or bring Rogue back, but if he could lessen her worry even a little, he figured that was a small price to pay.

The ride home was made in silence, not even the radio to keep him company. His mind was just too full, his emotions tettering on a ledge, and he knew it would take almost nothing to tip him over the side. He had to do better than this, strong than this. Somehow, he had to find a way to get his shit together, to be everything Rogue needed him to be for his parents. He just didn't know how.

Before he was quite ready for it, he was on the long driveway leading to his house, and as he came around the last curve and the house came into view, he felt his stomach pull into a knot. Though the sky had darkened considerably, it wasn't so dark that he couldn't recognize the woman sitting out on the picnic table watching him drive in. She stood as he pulled to a stop and moved toward him, and he couldn't help but look over at the glove compartment, wondering if Rogue had known something he didn't know.

Why was she here? Why now when he felt frail and uncertain. After reading his brother's letter, he wasn't sure he could get through a conversation with her without everything he felt pouring out. She'd always had a knack for reading him, and he knew without a shadow of a doubt that she'd see through every ounce of bullshit he could come up with.

His breathing shallow, he reached for the handle on the door and stepped out, and all the while, she stood there silently, patiently as if she knew he needed a minute. And he did. If he was honest, he felt like he needed a whole fucking year to prepare for this. She always saw too damn much, and beyond anything else, he didn't want her to see the agony he felt right now. Because if she did, she'd touch him, and there'd be no way to hold it all inside.

A soft, sweet voice called to him. "Hey."

It was a simple greeting, something anyone might say, but it was Lucy and nothing she said ever felt simple. But he bobbed his head lightly in response, hoping to fool her long enough to get into the house. "Hey."

She closed the distance between them slowly, her eyes still studying him in that intent way she had, and he had to squash the urge to touch his cheeks to make sure the evidence of his tears were gone. "Have you been out at the field this whole time?"

Gajeel blinked at her, surprised at her question. Most times when he saw someone he knew, they asked how he was or said they were sorry for his loss. They never seemed to know what to say, and when they tried, it only ever pissed him off because he was anything but okay. And Rogue was a fucking loss. He was a goddamn crater inside my chest. But Lucy...she didn't ask how he was, didn't offer paltry condolences. She knew what it was like to lose someone so close. She knew...and that made him wanna fucking cry all over again.

It was so rare to find someone who honestly knew his pain, who could say the words and actually mean them with all of their heart. And she didn't even try to say it. But he knew. He'd seen her lose her mother, watched her grieve like her soul had been ripped out of her chest, and he remember thinking how strong she was to get through it. Now, it was him on the other end, and he didn't have a damn clue how she'd done it.

He felt so fucking small, so weak in the wake of this pain. It felt like it would swallow him whole any day now, and half the time, he wanted it too. Anything to end this anguish. He just didn't know if he could do it.

All at once a wave of emotion hit him, and he drew in a sharp breath, trying to contain it. His eyes burned, and he spun around, giving Lucy his back and throwing his hands out to catch himself on the side rail of Rogue's truck. _Not now. Keep it together._ This couldn't be happening.

A gentle hand skated down his back, and he stiffened, willing Lucy to stop before she could completely demolish him. "Don't."

"Gajeel...I'm here for you," she hummed softly as she stepped up beside him.

A low keening sound he hadn't even known he could make slipped out of his mouth, and before he could stop himself, he turned and crushed her to him. Tears poured from his eyes, and for the first time since they'd gotten that call, he felt unashamed for the weakness. With Lucy's arms wrapped tightly around him and her own tears joining his, he felt like he wasn't alone. She was safety and security all rolled into the most comforting embrace he'd ever known.

He breathed her in, her delicate scent slowly suffusing him with calm, and he knew this was what Rogue was talking about. His brother had always seen what he needed before he had. It had gotten on his nerves so much growing up, but now, he couldn't help but be grateful. He'd been struggling to survive with Rogue gone, and there'd been times he'd wished to join him just to escape the thought of life without him. But somehow with Lucy there beside him, he felt like there was hope. After what felt like an eternity of hell, it was a shocking but welcome emotion to feel.

His tears finally trailing off, he pulled back, not enough to evade her hold, because he wasn't quite sure he was ready for that. He just wanted to clean himself up. He had no doubt his mother would be peeking out to check on him if he was much longer, and she had enough to worry about without him adding onto it.

Silent, Lucy stood there, her hands finally sliding down from around him, but before they could fully drop away, he grabbed them, holding tightly and looking her in the eye. Her tears glistened on her cheeks, and he reached up, brushing his thumb across first one and then the other. "Thank you."

A small smile pulled the corner of her lips up, and she nodded. "Anytime."

He stared hard for a moment, wondering just what she felt for him, and then shook the thought away. There was time for that later. For now, he was content with this.

Giving her hand a tug, he pulled her toward the house. "Come on. I'm sure Mom's got dinner waiting."

She followed without a sound, and as she passed by him through the doorway, he looked out at the driveway one last time. It would be a long time before he was ready to let that thing go, but until then, he hoped Rogue wouldn't mind him driving his truck.

And maybe next time, he would take Lucy with him.


End file.
